Stories of Healing
Over the years I have invited my clients / community members who are interested in participating here to share anonymously a brief excerpt from their journal as it relates to our work together. The intention is to express raw honest truth about real issues and experiences that arise for people during the healing process. Our collective wish is that others will find themselves in some of these words and feel less isolated in their own feelings, wounds and relational challenges. Utmost care is held for the privacy of these individuals by eliminating names all together.
2017
My life's purpose might actually be to heal myself. To carve out a lifestyle that supports this healing.
I'm slowly coming to a deeper understanding of how my own protections have hurt me by perpetuating destructive situations/relationships and in the process also hurting others.
My intention is to be true. Drop the masks and just be real. This will take some work to unravel.
I have spent a lot of my life in protection mode. Both protecting myself and others from my wounds. What if this wasn't necessary? I'm beginning to see this possibility for myself.
_____________________________________________
The fear is that when we feel, we will be consumed by the feeling, unable to re-emerge. Yet it is by feeling, by diving into that thing we fear, that we cultivate our will to shine through.
______________________________________________
Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if I had chosen it. Allow others to be just as they are.
Who would I be without my story?
When I prioritize what I want over security and comfort, I can achieve it. Prioritizing security and comfort over anything else will assure I don't get the other.
I have to be ready to let go. I am.
The ultimate root fear is that I am separate.
I keep asking the question until the question itself burns into nothing and all that's left is truth.
______________________________________________
As we ride up the dusty road this night, passing hundreds of other flashy people on their bikes, and crazy creative cars driving back and forth, we come into view of "the playa". I stop my bike right here and gaze in amazement over the scene. It's the most amazing sight!
Blinky lights, shiny people, bouncing art cars blaring their music, sculptures, and temples are scattered over every inch of the skyline, for what feels like miles and miles. Every color in the spectrum is shining back at us. I've never been so amazed and excited about taking another step forward.
We ride off into the sea of color, sound and light to explore the artwork, illuminating this otherwise dark patch of dessert landscape. It is amazing!
I feel excited, free, happy, joyful, playful... I am so happy I have grown enough to be on this beautiful adventure!
My life's purpose might actually be to heal myself. To carve out a lifestyle that supports this healing.
I'm slowly coming to a deeper understanding of how my own protections have hurt me by perpetuating destructive situations/relationships and in the process also hurting others.
My intention is to be true. Drop the masks and just be real. This will take some work to unravel.
I have spent a lot of my life in protection mode. Both protecting myself and others from my wounds. What if this wasn't necessary? I'm beginning to see this possibility for myself.
_____________________________________________
The fear is that when we feel, we will be consumed by the feeling, unable to re-emerge. Yet it is by feeling, by diving into that thing we fear, that we cultivate our will to shine through.
______________________________________________
Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if I had chosen it. Allow others to be just as they are.
Who would I be without my story?
When I prioritize what I want over security and comfort, I can achieve it. Prioritizing security and comfort over anything else will assure I don't get the other.
I have to be ready to let go. I am.
The ultimate root fear is that I am separate.
I keep asking the question until the question itself burns into nothing and all that's left is truth.
______________________________________________
As we ride up the dusty road this night, passing hundreds of other flashy people on their bikes, and crazy creative cars driving back and forth, we come into view of "the playa". I stop my bike right here and gaze in amazement over the scene. It's the most amazing sight!
Blinky lights, shiny people, bouncing art cars blaring their music, sculptures, and temples are scattered over every inch of the skyline, for what feels like miles and miles. Every color in the spectrum is shining back at us. I've never been so amazed and excited about taking another step forward.
We ride off into the sea of color, sound and light to explore the artwork, illuminating this otherwise dark patch of dessert landscape. It is amazing!
I feel excited, free, happy, joyful, playful... I am so happy I have grown enough to be on this beautiful adventure!
2018
My truth is ready to no longer be contained.
This all needs some time to percolate, settle and integrate. It seems like a very interesting sequence of events that continues to cosmically arise. I can trace the sequence all the way back to the moment when I chose to stay in this body, almost 7 years ago. That continues to be the epicenter of movement, and everything that has happened since is a result of that central cataclysmic event.
Clues that have been popping up have been around containment of myself. Maintaining a safe container, since I did not feel safe inside myself (since I was very young), has been my primary focus. That has kept me contained.
Immense self-scrutiny and unreasonable standards for perfection were born out of my childhood wounding since nothing was ever done right around here. It was impossible to achieve praise or recognition. This also explains why I have sought it externally throughout my life. Self acknowledgment is the most important thing, and I was not taught that, plus I was taught that nothing was ever done right. Not that it wasn't good enough, but that it would never be right. I was always wrong.
So, I set these impossible parameters in my head that no matter what I do, it will never be done right. The internal stress of wanting to do things "right", yet not believing it was possible, has torn me up inside. It's a paradox that cannot be solved. It short circuited my entire system.
Now I am rewiring all of it.
_______________________________________________
Life seems to have a hurry up and wait pattern. You get a glimpse of what it is you’re meant to be doing, and excitement floods in. Then, the actual doing of it is slower than molasses before you see any results. The beauty must therefore be in the doing of anything.
Freedom is key
self sustaining is key
personal container is key
personal responsibility is key
_______________________________________________
Some part of me checked out of my relationship a couple months ago, on that one day, in a quiet protest against maintaining intimacy with someone who is not meeting me physically or emotionally in the heartspace.
Other things are challenging as well. Not that I'm uncomplicated, but his temper triggers me. I go into protection and self preservation mode.
It comes and goes without warning. I'm starting to see my own contribution to what's going on here. How by putting up with this, I encourage it. Grateful for this awareness.
_______________________________________________
Move through it. Don't attach or identify with it, let it move through. We're not letting go into death, we're letting go into life. I need to want the truth more than anything else, in order to move through it.
One mode has to die in order for another one to come into bloom.
_______________________________________________
The biggest concern for me was figuring out what happened to my vibrancy. I became a dim shadow of the version of myself I knew a couple of years ago. How do I reclaim that part of myself?
Intimate sexual vulnerability - not just going through the act of lovemaking, but fully participating. Laying down all my defenses and walls. We take all the armor off and say, "I don't know how to do this, but I'm willing to try"
Being willing to meet all the feelings of resistance when we are making love or moving toward making love. Or feelings that come up after.
It means not having an agenda, a preconceived limitation, but being willing to allow it to unfold organically - And having an agreement to show up fully for whatever arises.
It's about being willing to meet the inner barriers with love and transparency. It's not about relying on each other.
My truth is ready to no longer be contained.
This all needs some time to percolate, settle and integrate. It seems like a very interesting sequence of events that continues to cosmically arise. I can trace the sequence all the way back to the moment when I chose to stay in this body, almost 7 years ago. That continues to be the epicenter of movement, and everything that has happened since is a result of that central cataclysmic event.
Clues that have been popping up have been around containment of myself. Maintaining a safe container, since I did not feel safe inside myself (since I was very young), has been my primary focus. That has kept me contained.
Immense self-scrutiny and unreasonable standards for perfection were born out of my childhood wounding since nothing was ever done right around here. It was impossible to achieve praise or recognition. This also explains why I have sought it externally throughout my life. Self acknowledgment is the most important thing, and I was not taught that, plus I was taught that nothing was ever done right. Not that it wasn't good enough, but that it would never be right. I was always wrong.
So, I set these impossible parameters in my head that no matter what I do, it will never be done right. The internal stress of wanting to do things "right", yet not believing it was possible, has torn me up inside. It's a paradox that cannot be solved. It short circuited my entire system.
Now I am rewiring all of it.
_______________________________________________
Life seems to have a hurry up and wait pattern. You get a glimpse of what it is you’re meant to be doing, and excitement floods in. Then, the actual doing of it is slower than molasses before you see any results. The beauty must therefore be in the doing of anything.
Freedom is key
self sustaining is key
personal container is key
personal responsibility is key
_______________________________________________
Some part of me checked out of my relationship a couple months ago, on that one day, in a quiet protest against maintaining intimacy with someone who is not meeting me physically or emotionally in the heartspace.
Other things are challenging as well. Not that I'm uncomplicated, but his temper triggers me. I go into protection and self preservation mode.
It comes and goes without warning. I'm starting to see my own contribution to what's going on here. How by putting up with this, I encourage it. Grateful for this awareness.
_______________________________________________
Move through it. Don't attach or identify with it, let it move through. We're not letting go into death, we're letting go into life. I need to want the truth more than anything else, in order to move through it.
One mode has to die in order for another one to come into bloom.
_______________________________________________
The biggest concern for me was figuring out what happened to my vibrancy. I became a dim shadow of the version of myself I knew a couple of years ago. How do I reclaim that part of myself?
Intimate sexual vulnerability - not just going through the act of lovemaking, but fully participating. Laying down all my defenses and walls. We take all the armor off and say, "I don't know how to do this, but I'm willing to try"
Being willing to meet all the feelings of resistance when we are making love or moving toward making love. Or feelings that come up after.
It means not having an agenda, a preconceived limitation, but being willing to allow it to unfold organically - And having an agreement to show up fully for whatever arises.
It's about being willing to meet the inner barriers with love and transparency. It's not about relying on each other.
2019
Today I had a sudden shift in awareness, or within my internal system. I am no longer afraid of losing myself in relationship. The danger for this has finally passed, and I feel completely solid within myself.
However, what I need to maintain is my own self fulfillment. When I am feeling depleted, the way I show up in relationship suffers. The way I show up in every part of my life suffers. Self nourishment is the most important thing. Body, mind and spirit.
If I'm feeling depleted, I may subtly and unconsciously expect to be filled up by someone else.
Self fulfillment is the root. The prerequisite to living fully in my divine essence.
Now that this barrier is finally lifting, what will be possible for me? It's at least an opening, and time will tell as I integrate this huge shift within myself.
_______________________________________________
We near the middle point of our hike and the energy starts to get thick. I can feel it dropping down into the earth. There's a ray of sunshine that has found its way through the dense stand of tall redwoods, and it's shining onto the blanket of ferns and clover that soften its fall. A single bird is chirping somewhere in the tree tops, and echoing in this tremendous sphere that is otherwise quiet.
I hear the forest talking and pulling me to one tree in particular. She tells me she is the mother, and this is the nursery of the forest. It is the birthplace of the entire forest. I stand and lean against her for several minutes, soaking up her embrace. I feel grounded and free.
My partner comes over and I invite him to lean against the mother. I stand in front of him and clasp my left hand with his right. With my other hand, I pull the energy through his body, landing my hand on his heart for several minutes. I trace the energy from his heart down his other arm and into his left hand. We are standing an inch away from each other, eyes closed, breathing deeply.
Just now, we hear the tree branches above start to sway, the leaves chatter as a gust of wind blows down and through the nursery. The forest has been completely still, until this special moment. We open our eyes in wonder and I say look what we did!
It is pure magic. I feel love, freedom, creative, connected, open, full.
_______________________________________________
My current work in progress is really about understanding and trusting that I am in the right place in my life. I keep thinking that I "should" be doing more with my life. So, what came to me was an image of a cycle. Simultaneously you need to be A. Devoted to the organic unfolding of life, and B. Continuously tending to your Mind/Body/Spirit health (aka tending to your frequency, and always focused on improving it). Then, C. Continuously facing the fears/points of resistance/shadows/wounds as they make themselves known in their multi-faceted and layered ways.
_______________________________________________
The question becomes how can I stabilize my body's experience of being here. On my walk today, a teaching came through about this. We need to temper the energy in the body with both movement and stillness. Energy needs to go somewhere, and when there's a buildup of energy, it will create an output one way or another. This makes the body more vulnerable to unreasonable reactions. When there's depletion, the body is vulnerable. It's only in a state of balance that the body can ride the waves of life with grace.
For me, walking / hiking in nature, yoga and dancing are all balancing outputs of energy. Depletion can still occur if the line of excess is crossed. Silent meditation, for me, can be stillness that allows energy to settle and experiences to integrate
Finding the balance point requires my constant effort, attention, awareness and discernment. Too much sitting will trigger inertia. Too much movement will cause depletion.
_______________________________________________
I do think this was the defining moment where everything shifted for me. Finally discovering the link between my trigger response and my childhood / family history helps me to understand the dynamic that's been happening within me all these years. It's always been such a mystery until now.
Today I had a sudden shift in awareness, or within my internal system. I am no longer afraid of losing myself in relationship. The danger for this has finally passed, and I feel completely solid within myself.
However, what I need to maintain is my own self fulfillment. When I am feeling depleted, the way I show up in relationship suffers. The way I show up in every part of my life suffers. Self nourishment is the most important thing. Body, mind and spirit.
If I'm feeling depleted, I may subtly and unconsciously expect to be filled up by someone else.
Self fulfillment is the root. The prerequisite to living fully in my divine essence.
Now that this barrier is finally lifting, what will be possible for me? It's at least an opening, and time will tell as I integrate this huge shift within myself.
_______________________________________________
We near the middle point of our hike and the energy starts to get thick. I can feel it dropping down into the earth. There's a ray of sunshine that has found its way through the dense stand of tall redwoods, and it's shining onto the blanket of ferns and clover that soften its fall. A single bird is chirping somewhere in the tree tops, and echoing in this tremendous sphere that is otherwise quiet.
I hear the forest talking and pulling me to one tree in particular. She tells me she is the mother, and this is the nursery of the forest. It is the birthplace of the entire forest. I stand and lean against her for several minutes, soaking up her embrace. I feel grounded and free.
My partner comes over and I invite him to lean against the mother. I stand in front of him and clasp my left hand with his right. With my other hand, I pull the energy through his body, landing my hand on his heart for several minutes. I trace the energy from his heart down his other arm and into his left hand. We are standing an inch away from each other, eyes closed, breathing deeply.
Just now, we hear the tree branches above start to sway, the leaves chatter as a gust of wind blows down and through the nursery. The forest has been completely still, until this special moment. We open our eyes in wonder and I say look what we did!
It is pure magic. I feel love, freedom, creative, connected, open, full.
_______________________________________________
My current work in progress is really about understanding and trusting that I am in the right place in my life. I keep thinking that I "should" be doing more with my life. So, what came to me was an image of a cycle. Simultaneously you need to be A. Devoted to the organic unfolding of life, and B. Continuously tending to your Mind/Body/Spirit health (aka tending to your frequency, and always focused on improving it). Then, C. Continuously facing the fears/points of resistance/shadows/wounds as they make themselves known in their multi-faceted and layered ways.
_______________________________________________
The question becomes how can I stabilize my body's experience of being here. On my walk today, a teaching came through about this. We need to temper the energy in the body with both movement and stillness. Energy needs to go somewhere, and when there's a buildup of energy, it will create an output one way or another. This makes the body more vulnerable to unreasonable reactions. When there's depletion, the body is vulnerable. It's only in a state of balance that the body can ride the waves of life with grace.
For me, walking / hiking in nature, yoga and dancing are all balancing outputs of energy. Depletion can still occur if the line of excess is crossed. Silent meditation, for me, can be stillness that allows energy to settle and experiences to integrate
Finding the balance point requires my constant effort, attention, awareness and discernment. Too much sitting will trigger inertia. Too much movement will cause depletion.
_______________________________________________
I do think this was the defining moment where everything shifted for me. Finally discovering the link between my trigger response and my childhood / family history helps me to understand the dynamic that's been happening within me all these years. It's always been such a mystery until now.
2020
In talking to my 2 year old self, I heard her say that her needs were normal. She was just a normal little girl with normal needs and feelings. Her family made her feel like her needs were extraordinary and outrageous. When she had emotional expressions, they ignored and invalidated her. She decided in that moment to become invisible and set off to hide all her emotions and not share her true self with them or anyone else. She was not safe with them and she was not safe with the kids in her neighborhood. Safer with high school friends, but by then she learned to numb out with alcohol in order to fit in. She was not her true self anywhere except when she was alone. I told her that someone should have protected her, someone should have watched out for her. There was no one watching out for her, so she did not feel safe.
_______________________________________________
I am really struggling with the idea of resentment because it feels like "blaming" energy, and I feel like resentment happens when we aren't owning or communicating our feelings and needs in a timely manner. That we've swept things under the rug and yet have expectations pertaining to them. Expectations that can never be met, because of how we have set ourselves up for failure by making (probably a lot of) assumptions.
_______________________________________________
We have some drums with us, and decide to strip down, soak up the sun and drum and sing. It's such a natural unfolding of events. The energy feels light, creative, loving and warm.
We take turns drumming, each chiming in with song and tones. There is a light breeze to help keep us from getting too warm, but eventually we decide to move under an oak tree that is providing shade just next to where we had sat on the sunny hillside. At least 3 hours pass while we soak up every moment together.
I feel free. I appreciate the new ability within myself to go with the flow and enjoy life. Each of my friends here are so different from the next, and I am loving the creative and eclectic blend that makes up our little group.
I feel more freedom within myself than possibly ever.
_______________________________________________
I feel heartbroken that the person I entrusted with my deepest intimacy is judging me, is making himself holier than thou, has broken my trust. I feel heartbroken because I trusted the level of honesty I thought we had cultivated with each other only to find that seems not to be true now. I feel so angry!
In talking to my 2 year old self, I heard her say that her needs were normal. She was just a normal little girl with normal needs and feelings. Her family made her feel like her needs were extraordinary and outrageous. When she had emotional expressions, they ignored and invalidated her. She decided in that moment to become invisible and set off to hide all her emotions and not share her true self with them or anyone else. She was not safe with them and she was not safe with the kids in her neighborhood. Safer with high school friends, but by then she learned to numb out with alcohol in order to fit in. She was not her true self anywhere except when she was alone. I told her that someone should have protected her, someone should have watched out for her. There was no one watching out for her, so she did not feel safe.
_______________________________________________
I am really struggling with the idea of resentment because it feels like "blaming" energy, and I feel like resentment happens when we aren't owning or communicating our feelings and needs in a timely manner. That we've swept things under the rug and yet have expectations pertaining to them. Expectations that can never be met, because of how we have set ourselves up for failure by making (probably a lot of) assumptions.
_______________________________________________
We have some drums with us, and decide to strip down, soak up the sun and drum and sing. It's such a natural unfolding of events. The energy feels light, creative, loving and warm.
We take turns drumming, each chiming in with song and tones. There is a light breeze to help keep us from getting too warm, but eventually we decide to move under an oak tree that is providing shade just next to where we had sat on the sunny hillside. At least 3 hours pass while we soak up every moment together.
I feel free. I appreciate the new ability within myself to go with the flow and enjoy life. Each of my friends here are so different from the next, and I am loving the creative and eclectic blend that makes up our little group.
I feel more freedom within myself than possibly ever.
_______________________________________________
I feel heartbroken that the person I entrusted with my deepest intimacy is judging me, is making himself holier than thou, has broken my trust. I feel heartbroken because I trusted the level of honesty I thought we had cultivated with each other only to find that seems not to be true now. I feel so angry!
2021
I am reminded of the words that came through from the Goddess Isis during my journey last month. "This is a time for truly holding the light in all that you are weaving. It is not only what is needed in your collective, but each of you is ready to bring through a greater frequency of golden light than you have previously....You are being called to gather in a new way now, to prepare for what comes next. There is a shift in the collective coming, and all that you have been preparing for, these recent years, will be called upon in a much greater way. Your work begins in its fullness now. Even if you thought you were already in your fullness, you will find that your capacity is expanding to a new level...You have felt a greater and greater calling to stand tall and bright in your magic, in your creation, in your wholeness. You are ready, and you will support each other in stepping into this grand and luminous being that you are."
_______________________________________________
Sometimes, it seems like it would be easier to look away, to deny my calling. And yet deep in my heart, I know that has become impossible for me. And so I continue to practice, to show up, again and again.
_______________________________________________
I need to be aware of my own undercurrents of self-judgment, and how I project it outward to others. Cultivating self-love, sovereignty and unconditional love is the answer to all discourse. And it's a practice that requires various medicines as supporting elements. My unique medicine, my flavor of practice, is my own. Find it, live it, don't ever apologize for it. I honor all parts of myself for how I practice this, and encourage myself to uplevel my practice of self love to whatever degree might be possible today.
_______________________________________________
Yesterday was really good. So affirming for me in all my own knowing about continuing to have patience and for this path to keep evolving. I trust that my soul knows best, and that if I follow the energy, trust and continue to be true to myself along the way, I will find my way through the discomfort of not knowing. I cannot pretend to know what that amazing new paradigm will look like from where I'm sitting now. It may be that this experience is preparing me for something else. It's not clear right now, but I trust that in time I will understand.
I am reminded of the words that came through from the Goddess Isis during my journey last month. "This is a time for truly holding the light in all that you are weaving. It is not only what is needed in your collective, but each of you is ready to bring through a greater frequency of golden light than you have previously....You are being called to gather in a new way now, to prepare for what comes next. There is a shift in the collective coming, and all that you have been preparing for, these recent years, will be called upon in a much greater way. Your work begins in its fullness now. Even if you thought you were already in your fullness, you will find that your capacity is expanding to a new level...You have felt a greater and greater calling to stand tall and bright in your magic, in your creation, in your wholeness. You are ready, and you will support each other in stepping into this grand and luminous being that you are."
_______________________________________________
Sometimes, it seems like it would be easier to look away, to deny my calling. And yet deep in my heart, I know that has become impossible for me. And so I continue to practice, to show up, again and again.
_______________________________________________
I need to be aware of my own undercurrents of self-judgment, and how I project it outward to others. Cultivating self-love, sovereignty and unconditional love is the answer to all discourse. And it's a practice that requires various medicines as supporting elements. My unique medicine, my flavor of practice, is my own. Find it, live it, don't ever apologize for it. I honor all parts of myself for how I practice this, and encourage myself to uplevel my practice of self love to whatever degree might be possible today.
_______________________________________________
Yesterday was really good. So affirming for me in all my own knowing about continuing to have patience and for this path to keep evolving. I trust that my soul knows best, and that if I follow the energy, trust and continue to be true to myself along the way, I will find my way through the discomfort of not knowing. I cannot pretend to know what that amazing new paradigm will look like from where I'm sitting now. It may be that this experience is preparing me for something else. It's not clear right now, but I trust that in time I will understand.
2022
I really don't fit into any particular box anymore. I don't know that I would call myself spiritual. That felt like an identity I needed in order to understand what was happening to me for a long long time. When you say "spiritual", what you really mean is "mystery". It is the term we use to explain the ineffable.
_______________________________________________
An important nugget came through today. First, these words... "It's not ok to be different." A protective part speaking, trying to keep me safe by telling me not to stand out. These parts don't have the capacity to understand that while their tactics were once a helpful response to early trauma, today they are stifling and limiting.
_______________________________________________
I had glimpses of how things "actually" work. Nature was showing me visuals of interconnectedness and how everything was in synchrony. I experienced a greater connection to all that is. I saw great beauty. I endured through a challenging experience.
_______________________________________________
I became aware of my longing to be known. It was really through imagining what this younger version of me had wanted, which was ultimately to be known, but not trusting that people would really try to know her, she stayed hidden by choice. I thought of those few people in my life who do really know me. I had many tears of gratitude pour through me. A thought came up that it wasn't my parent's job to know me in this life. Clearly. I quickly realized that was like making excuses for them. I thought of my siblings and immediately found the deep grief that they also did not truly know me. I had a painful longing for that. Flashes of myself as a baby and toddler just wanting and wanting to be seen and understood, to be really known flowed through. I cried and cried.
_______________________________________________
I was pondering the lesson around developing out all the senses for full being sensing. Far beyond seeing, listening, feeling, etc. There was something important about tuning into each of the many layers of existence for greater awareness. The modern ideas about health and consciousness are a bit laughable based on this. It's tuning into the body and its many layers, the spirit and its many layers and the mind and its many layers. All aspects of being. This is true for all parts of life on earth and in the universe. It's like focusing on that 3D computer generated image and finally seeing the shapes. Once you see it, you will always see it. You just need to tune in. Since we are accustomed to having limited capacity and don't even know that we can attune this way, hardly anyone even tries. When humans evolve into this level of awareness the world will change quite dramatically.
I really don't fit into any particular box anymore. I don't know that I would call myself spiritual. That felt like an identity I needed in order to understand what was happening to me for a long long time. When you say "spiritual", what you really mean is "mystery". It is the term we use to explain the ineffable.
_______________________________________________
An important nugget came through today. First, these words... "It's not ok to be different." A protective part speaking, trying to keep me safe by telling me not to stand out. These parts don't have the capacity to understand that while their tactics were once a helpful response to early trauma, today they are stifling and limiting.
_______________________________________________
I had glimpses of how things "actually" work. Nature was showing me visuals of interconnectedness and how everything was in synchrony. I experienced a greater connection to all that is. I saw great beauty. I endured through a challenging experience.
_______________________________________________
I became aware of my longing to be known. It was really through imagining what this younger version of me had wanted, which was ultimately to be known, but not trusting that people would really try to know her, she stayed hidden by choice. I thought of those few people in my life who do really know me. I had many tears of gratitude pour through me. A thought came up that it wasn't my parent's job to know me in this life. Clearly. I quickly realized that was like making excuses for them. I thought of my siblings and immediately found the deep grief that they also did not truly know me. I had a painful longing for that. Flashes of myself as a baby and toddler just wanting and wanting to be seen and understood, to be really known flowed through. I cried and cried.
_______________________________________________
I was pondering the lesson around developing out all the senses for full being sensing. Far beyond seeing, listening, feeling, etc. There was something important about tuning into each of the many layers of existence for greater awareness. The modern ideas about health and consciousness are a bit laughable based on this. It's tuning into the body and its many layers, the spirit and its many layers and the mind and its many layers. All aspects of being. This is true for all parts of life on earth and in the universe. It's like focusing on that 3D computer generated image and finally seeing the shapes. Once you see it, you will always see it. You just need to tune in. Since we are accustomed to having limited capacity and don't even know that we can attune this way, hardly anyone even tries. When humans evolve into this level of awareness the world will change quite dramatically.
Based in Santa Fe, New Mexico (u.s.a.)
working locally + globally via Zoom
website content ©Gina Knepell 2023